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When I’m a Crazy Old Man

Over the past couple years, I’ve been compiling a list of “things to do when I’m a crazy old man,” and if there is one sure thing that I am gonna do, it’s this:

1.) Spot a young, impressionable, man who shares my distinguishable characteristics: eye color, approximate height and build, hair color (unless I’ve gone grey, which would make me extra crazy-looking. Bonus!), no visible tattoos that I don’t also have, etc.

2.) This is the tricky part. I’ll follow him (stalk him, if you will) for several weeks, gaining insight into his personal life. Remember, I’m old; I have nothing better to do. The key is to avoid being spotted; that would blow my cover completely. Eventually, I will learn of his aspirations: possibly a long-term girlfriend with whom he might consider marrying, perhaps a medical condition, travel plans, etc. - anything I can use to craft a wild, yet believable, lie about his future. I’ll also need to know some really personal secrets that he wouldn’t expect a strange old man, like myself, to know.

3.) One day, out of the blue, I’ll approach him frantically. Let’s say his name is Norman (Norman is a geeky name, and the geeky kind are prime targets because it usually means they cling to some radical ideas based entirely in science-fiction).

“Norman!” I’ll say, “Norman! I don’t have much time, so you must listen to me closely.” At this point, he won’t know who I am, or what I’m talking about. To him, I’m just a crazy guy who could want to rape him. He’s not sure.

“Norman, this is going to sound crazy, but you can’t take that trip to Morocco tomorrow, Norman! Your children’s lives depend on it!” “What are you talking about? I don’t have any kids” he’ll say. “No! Don’t you see Norm?! It’s Loraine! In 9 months she’ll give birth to twins!” I’ll reply.

I’ll then go on to explain how during his trip to Morocco he will stumble upon a blood-diamond smuggling operation. Men will force him to smuggle a large quantity of diamonds, via his anus, into the U.S. upon his return. He will get caught, and to avoid imprisonment, will give up the men who set him up. They will track him down, and two years later, will find him with his new family. To teach him a lesson they will slaughter one of the children in front of him and Loraine in their home, and take the other to be sold on the black market.

“How do you know this?” he’ll say. “Norman, God damn it! I am from the future! I am you, you fool!” I’ll say, grabbing him by the shoulders, shaking him violently, staring directly into his eyes. He won’t be convinced. He’ll call for help, and as a group of police officers rush to his aid, I’ll ramble off the detailed personal secrets I have acquired. The officers will grab ahold of me and drag me away, kicking and twisting, trying to break free. “Norman! You must believe me, Norman!” I’ll scream, “You must believe me!!!!!”

He will be startled, nervous, and confused as shit. He’ll wonder how I knew so much about him, and remember gazing into my green eyes, and realize how similar we looked. He’ll think “there’s no way anyone could know those secrets about me. Maybe time-travel is possible?” but he still won’t be entirely convinced.

Loraine will come over that night to see him one last time before he leaves for Morocco the next morning. He’ll tell her the whole story, and she’ll laugh it off, thinking I was just another crazy man, and tell him not to worry as she comforts him and they slip away into the bedroom. They’ll have their goodbye sex, and afterwards, he will realize that his condom broke (you see, I snuck into his house and punctured each and every one of of them with a pin). He’ll remember how I said that Loraine was going to have twins in 9 months. At that point, all the pieces will fall into place and he’ll turn ghostly pale. I will be watching from outside the window of course. Oh boy, that reaction will be priceless! He’ll cancel his trip to Morocco the next day, and believe that I was really his future self - until Loraine takes a pregnancy test and it comes back negative, that is. Unless she actually gets pregnant, which would be awesome, but I mean, asking for that much would be borderline selfish.

Looking back on all these posts makes me realize how much free time I had. and possibly why I’m still single haha.

(Source: tylercard)