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Hospital Fun

I’ve been spending a lot of time at the doctor lately with this bum leg I’ve got, and there’s one thing I’ve noticed: everyone is so uptight in those places. I’ve decided it is my duty to lighten the mood. Here’s just a few ideas I’ve come up with:

After they make you piss in that little jar, return it with a lemon wedge and one of those tiny umbrellas.
Bring a CD player that can fit into a coat pocket or sleeve, and as soon as the nurse tells you to strip down to your underwear, cue the stripper electronica music and tear off your pants before she can leave the room. Dance around the room and follow her out into the lobby if she leaves.
Tear-away pants are recommended for those without superhuman strength.
Before the doctor enters the room, turn off the lights, place two dozen votive candles and rose petals about the room, and assume a sexy pose on the exam table.
When he/ she comes in, say “I’ve been waiting for you” with a wink.
Before an xray - with a solution of water and aluminum powder - write a note with a q-tip on the area to be scaned, like “keep up the great work!” or “This isn’t my body! Get me out!”
After being given a spinal tap, and the doctor says to sit up, lay face down motionless for a few seconds then quietly say “I can’t feel my legs.” Remain there motionless for a few more seconds then scream “OH MY GOD! I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS” and scream hysterically. When you know the doctor is becoming frantic and feeling terrible about himself, say “oh… no, I guess my leg just fell asleep, that’s all.”

(Source: tylercard)